But what actually comes out of our mouths may only be a slice of that bigger picture a partial fragment that is then misconstrued by our partner. Clean 21 Cleanse Program . This, at last, brings us to a point where there may be enough shared background for me to address certain of the issues you raised in your essay. To me, NVC is best thought of, not as a set of rules, but as a collection of insights, to be applied in a context-sensitive way, with discernment. I and other NVC practitioners sometimes check for anothers willingness to hear our (moralistic) judgments related to them, or express our willingness to hear anothers judgments of us, and with this agreement, and with clear acknowledging of the judgments being what they are, exchanging judgments can be very helpful and clarifying. However, standard NVC training doesn't always lead to people knowing how to apply NVC effectively and in a balanced way in the context of getting things done. You say"On Dr. Rosenberg's stated preference not to hear what people think, Flack comments, 'I am not sure that is a recipe for nonviolence, when what so many desperately need is that their fully human minds be fairly heard.' Price: US $24.84. 4 Reasons Why "Clean Talk Communication" is Important During some of my recent coaching sessions, I have both noticed my clients leaning toward wordiness and/or my clients would have to address wordiness in others. Instead, do your best to keep your voice level and calm. You say "What strikes me most about this practice is that it attempts to hide what we're really feeling from the other person, which seems to me a form of deception. I respectfully disagree. Posted Dec 2022 4:47 TED-Ed 4 things all great listeners know ", Angry is similarly a word that tends to hold an implication that someone did something to us, and also points to a distinctive experience that isnt easy to accurately name in another way. In my judgment, hiding what you're doing is a form of deception, and deception is a form of violence." Having gone through this process, you now express whats up for you: There isnt anger expressed in this, but only because after the processing, anger is no longer the dominant emotion being felt. It seems like you struggle to be on time. On the other hand, when Rosenberg or anyone else teaches, they are engaged in a type of different activity, using what I might term Concept Mapping Talk transmitting concepts and how they relate to one anotherand the guidance that is relevant toteaching (once we've addressed the relational issue of whether there is consent to be together in a teaching context) is different than the guidance that relevant to addressing the relationship between us. You write "Without expressing judgments, for example, how do I share my most precious beliefs with my children or those I teach or mentor? You say "in some situations [Rosenberg] seems to suggest that connection is all that matters and that it is better to drop boundaries rather than risk losing connection [He]tells a story about a school principal who comes upon a dejected student while hurrying to join an important meeting for which she is quite late. The composite examples do not, for me, fit together (a) in ways that make sense, and (b) offer examples of what Rosenberg is recommending. You say "Dr. Rosenberg equates anger with the desire to find fault; he writes that anger 'indicates that we have moved up to our head to analyze and judge somebody' (p.143). Anger, and the stories we tell ourselves in association with anger, tend to lead to adversarial reactions. So too, our identities are very much based on comparing ourselves to our peers, and to have the person we love say we dont stack up to them cuts at our sense of worth. Invisible anti-spam without CAPTCHA, questions, puzzles, counting animals, math and etc. Any model is likely to need to adopt particular definitions for the words it uses. Couple Skills by Matthew McKay, Patrick Fanning, and Kim Paleg. This ease of communicating helps to maximize productivity, by eliminating the need for personnel to de-gown to leave the . Clean Talk TM is a communications approach specifically designed for expressing challenging or difficult messages by using language to evoke collaboration rather than compliance, proaction rather than reaction, and agility rather than rigidity. This matches what Clean Talk advocates for, albeit with an extra stage of checking first before offering judgments. Clean 7 is a 7-Day detox program that blends Intermittent Fasting, Ayurveda, and Functional Medicine for powerful . As to the risk of making empathy guesses (guesses about anothers observations, feelings, needs, etc.) 8. The idea is to find a way to let go of blame and moralistic judgment while retaining the full importance of the underlying concerns that that blame and judgment was pointing towards. Reuters, Zurich. The communicative 'affordances and constraints' of BIM structured meeting conversations away from less structured, open-ending problem-solving and towards agenda-driven problem-solving around. The second practice is more do-able in conversations as they happen. I dont think there is anything in NVC that prevents sharing our most precious beliefs. And, in conflict situations, Ive experienced talking in this way as having had a rather limited capacity to transform conflicts. This pattern ends in thinking Joe is wrong and deserves to be punished without ever considering other aspects of the situation, such as Joe making a tragic choice in order to address something that we could probably all agree was important to address, and our collectively modeling the use of violence as the way we address conflict, and so on. Some people may interpret NVC as saying people shouldnt express interpretations, and if so, I agree that this is unduly limiting. This talk through window allows for both visual and oral communication even when mounted in a solid wall. I agree that sharing interpretations doesn't always hurt, and I dont advocate never sharing them. I think NVC encourages us simply to be aware of the ways that they can hurt, especially at times and in certain contexts. Avoid judgment words and loaded terms. Here are some examples: When youre addressing a certain problem, stick with the issue at hand instead of slinging mud, or engaging in what my friend calls closet-fighting i.e., reaching back into the closet of your past for old grievances to buttress your current accusations. Remember when I spent all weekend cleaning the house before your folks arrived and you never even said thank you?, Its always the same damned thing with you. If your partner complies, shell only be doing it to avoid the consequences of your threat, and if she doesnt, the argument is going to escalate and/or keep reoccurring. I feel a little embarrassed, relieved to be clearer about what is happening, and hopeful that this act of transparency might in some way be useful.). Dr. Rosenberg dealt with some of the problematic aspects of our interpretations, the stories we tell ourselves, by encouraging people to shift their focus, to attend more to other components of experience that he felt were ultimately more important. You write "Dr. Rosenberg appears to consider only the most negative of these definitions as the meaning of a judgment essentially, to equate judgment with condemnation. "You're acting so childish right now." "Oh boo-hoo. We strive to make the Internet more secure and to help webmasters and website owners to prevent malicious activity. The desire to escape shame seems to be a driving factor in substance abuse and many other unwanted behaviors, and so shaming would potentially be tragically counterproductive. MFP note that one effective way to contaminate your message is to disguise it as a question: The questioner adopts the posture of soliciting information from their partner, but they already know the answer and their feelings about it; theyre really just making an accusation and showing their disapproval for their partners choice. When I guess the reason behind the no, its essential that we guess a reason that we express something that is perfectly human and understandable and which contains no hint of blame. Im not clear on to what extent this is a limit of NVC vs. being a limit of our practices of it. To some extend this can and does work and sometimes it doesnt. Moving away from moralistic judgments is central to NVCs agenda of paradigm change. Youre sorry about spending too much on the couch, just like you were sorry for going over budget on the kitchen remodel, and sorry for spending so much on the dress for our wedding, Youre so irrational, just like your mom., None of my exes were ever as clingy as you are., Why cant you be more fun like Dereks girlfriend is?, If youre going to act like that, then Im not going with you to your parents house this weekend., If you cant get your act together, then maybe we should get a divorce., If you dont want to be more adventurous in bed, I can find plenty of other women who are willing to be., I feel disrespected when you make jokes at my expense when were out with your friends., I feel jealous when I see you texting your ex., I feel hurt when you ignore me when I come home from work., Why didnt you take out the trash last night?, Is there a reason all the dishes have been left in the sink?. Regarding using giraffe to label someone speaking NVC and jackal to label someone speaking more violently, I agree that this is a risky strategy for trying to support conceptual clarity. You then quote Chapman Flack saying of watching Rosenberg "The effect is a curious picture of a man adroitly doing very fine, attentive thinking while insisting that it's not the thing to do.". That implicit distinction is what allowed him to talk about the dangers of focusing on thought (in Relationship Talk), while demonstrating adroit thinking (in Concept Mapping Talk), without there being any actual contradiction. To do this, you want to swap out your you-centered accusations for statements that emphasize I how you feel when your partner does certain things. (NVC, p.110). Informally, NVC practitioners sometimes do this as well, speak judgments, label and owning them as such but this is not a formal part of the model. I imagine it as a practical question, that need not have any deeper meaning. NVC seems to often be able to transform conflicts without wading too far into the interpretations. Our support of GRID Alternatives goes to training opportunities for women looking to jumpstart or advance their renewable energy career. We'll get back to you as soon as possible. Theyll also have a much clearer sense of how their performance contributed to you than they would if all they heard was You were great! And, this sort of expression makes it less likely that the listener will be conditioned to be excessively vulnerable to someone criticizing them. I don't know enough about the particulars of the principal's situation to know for sure what I choice I would have made in her situation. So, while there's a lot in the subjective experience of anger that doesn't seem to be about thought, thought plays a critical role in the phenomenon of anger. New Dawn Works is open Mon, Tue, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat, Sun. Give it to em straight, and give it to em cleanly. Neither usage is intended to imply the sort of connotations conventionally associated with distinctions between wants and needs. Avoiding the word need when using NVC helps reduce the chances of people making these (understandable) associations with these words that are spurious to the actual intention. I am an NVC trainer. I'm tired of your perpetual 'poor me' attitude." "Maybe if you were more of a man, you'd be able to handle this." "You'd probably feel better if you got off your fat, lazy ass and finally did something about it." People are understood as having powerful intrinsic motivation to contribute to life and to one anothers well-being, which can blossom when these impulses are not being dampened by a coercive milieu. Personally, I dont think that has anything to do with why he offers the advice he does. You write "Clean Talk requires that the speaker state how they would benefit as a way of fully owning what they want. In principle, I generally like this idea. Through proven brand-building strategies, we position companies for success on the journey from brand awareness to brand loyalty. His experience of anger is apparently quite different from mine; I find when I'm angry that I don't think very clearly, which tells me that I'm anywhere but in my head.". Note to self: Would it be useful to include anything in my NVC teaching about checking out our beliefs about what we think is going on? Most often, I dont find that requests lead to these sort of problems. Yes and they are also signals concerning what is going on inside us, about how we have processed the information about what is going on around us. ". There is a way in which I agree with you, in thinking that NVC misses some opportunities for supporting people in relating to and talking about interpretations more explicitly and skillfully. 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